Issues.

Wanting desperately to sleep. Feeling like a wussy that when I actually have to get up before eight a.m. I need a nap at one. Wanting to write but don't really have anything interesting to say. Hoping the caffeine from my matevana tea will kick in soon.
Let's talk about eyeliner. Encouraged by my good friend, I decided to try it. She taught me how and now I wear it everyday. I am still getting used to the thickness, the heaviness on my eyes, but I think I like it. I've gotten a couple of compliments on my teeth, actually, but I think it's because they look whiter in contrast to my dark eyes.
I swear.
I kept pestering Joey, asking him what he thought and finally he said he liked the new eye makeup.  It's like pulling teeth to get one good opinion out of the guy. What do they care about anyway? Oh, right. Cleaning. (at least mine).
Also, concerning the eyeliner, I feel like I finally look like the cool girls, you know the ones in high school who actually looked put together and not like some frizzy-haired-retainer-post-braces-yahoo? Well, I am ten years late but I'm pretty sure I'd be cool now. Better late than never.
Actually in high school I really didn't care. And I do now. Isn't it supposed to be the other way around? Am I really regressing? Mercy.
I went out to lunch, childless, with my good friend yesterday. It was, like, amazing. I never spend time with my girlfriends without children because we are selfless and stupid mothers who just don't think about carving out time for ourselves. But it was so good, like what a good date alone does for me and Joey. Sometimes it's like a light bulb goes on in my head: "DUH! This wouldn't be so damn hard if you'd just plan a little and DO STUFF YOU ACTUALLY LIKE TO DO."
But sometimes the planning is more effort than I have in my mommy brain to even think of. Still, it was a good reminder to think of things I would really like to do, do the planning it takes to do them, and then enjoy.
There is a part of me that doesn't feel at peace with the life I am living. Like underneath I am fighting it the whole way, wanting something else. I hate this feeling. It makes me feel guilty and like I don't value my children like I should. They are so consuming, more consuming than I really can even begin to articulate. It was like something changed about five years ago and even though I want a break, I want a reprieve, it never comes. The ball keeps rolling.
It's not all bad, all hard. But overall, it's frustrating and extremely tiresome...and it's like I can never catch up and feel refreshed. Unless of course I am drunk, and then sometimes even then I'm still worrying about something.
I'm wondering if this horrible feeling ever goes away? Like is this a Little Kid Issue, or will this be with me forever as long as I am still living? Am I just a real wussy?
Probably just a wussy. Obviously this is not the best day in the world.