Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Issues.

Wanting desperately to sleep. Feeling like a wussy that when I actually have to get up before eight a.m. I need a nap at one. Wanting to write but don't really have anything interesting to say. Hoping the caffeine from my matevana tea will kick in soon.
Let's talk about eyeliner. Encouraged by my good friend, I decided to try it. She taught me how and now I wear it everyday. I am still getting used to the thickness, the heaviness on my eyes, but I think I like it. I've gotten a couple of compliments on my teeth, actually, but I think it's because they look whiter in contrast to my dark eyes.
I swear.
I kept pestering Joey, asking him what he thought and finally he said he liked the new eye makeup.  It's like pulling teeth to get one good opinion out of the guy. What do they care about anyway? Oh, right. Cleaning. (at least mine).
Also, concerning the eyeliner, I feel like I finally look like the cool girls, you know the ones in high school who actually looked put together and not like some frizzy-haired-retainer-post-braces-yahoo? Well, I am ten years late but I'm pretty sure I'd be cool now. Better late than never.
Actually in high school I really didn't care. And I do now. Isn't it supposed to be the other way around? Am I really regressing? Mercy.
I went out to lunch, childless, with my good friend yesterday. It was, like, amazing. I never spend time with my girlfriends without children because we are selfless and stupid mothers who just don't think about carving out time for ourselves. But it was so good, like what a good date alone does for me and Joey. Sometimes it's like a light bulb goes on in my head: "DUH! This wouldn't be so damn hard if you'd just plan a little and DO STUFF YOU ACTUALLY LIKE TO DO."
But sometimes the planning is more effort than I have in my mommy brain to even think of. Still, it was a good reminder to think of things I would really like to do, do the planning it takes to do them, and then enjoy.
There is a part of me that doesn't feel at peace with the life I am living. Like underneath I am fighting it the whole way, wanting something else. I hate this feeling. It makes me feel guilty and like I don't value my children like I should. They are so consuming, more consuming than I really can even begin to articulate. It was like something changed about five years ago and even though I want a break, I want a reprieve, it never comes. The ball keeps rolling.
It's not all bad, all hard. But overall, it's frustrating and extremely tiresome...and it's like I can never catch up and feel refreshed. Unless of course I am drunk, and then sometimes even then I'm still worrying about something.
I'm wondering if this horrible feeling ever goes away? Like is this a Little Kid Issue, or will this be with me forever as long as I am still living? Am I just a real wussy?
Probably just a wussy. Obviously this is not the best day in the world. 






5 comments:

Jill said...

Let's face it, being a mom is pretty sucky sometimes. But there are those moments where your kids do something really awesome/nice/funny and it makes it all worth it...for a little while. I, personally, think that I will be a much better mom to older kids. If not, then I'm screwed.

Mama said...

hunny. I love you. I had one of those nights tonight. Where, after screaming to my child (in a "I am breathing fire" kind of voice)"Shut. Your. Mouth. Get. In. Your. Bed. NOW!" and hearing her cry and obey. out of fear probably...I finally cried out (literally) to God; "please God...I am gonna loose it. Have her obey. PLEASE! I am TIRED of THIS CRAP!!!" and here I hear her little voice is just asking for her Zambonni and for it to be warm (her polar bear that we heat up). at that moment IT WAS disobedience on her part, but I needed to remember it wasn't me she needed to please, well kinda, but God, and so did I. I needed to be her mom. It is such a tough line, you know, being a gladiator/dictator vs. a lover.
It is hard. It is refreshing to be you, minus children, but they are who God is using to make YOU better...they are our character builders. peace to you sister. on the battlefield and off.

Lindsey Briggs said...

I've been thinking a lot about that too -- wondering if I'll ever get a real break from it all. Especially now that I'm breastfeeding again. I'd love to talk to an older wiser woman about this, my guess is she would tell us there are seasons in life and to enjoy the one we're in and blah blah. But ultimately, I'm beginning to think a part of the anxiousness we feel will never truly go away until we die and are finally out of this crappy world. Part of the Christian life I think. Paul's discription of it in 2 Corinthians 6: dying, and yet we live on; beaten, and yet not killed; sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything.

Anyway, love hearing your random thoughts. The eyeliner thing was awesome.

Unknown said...

You are not a wus. You are human and have needs just like your kids do. The keeping rolling thing, yeah I'm feeling it too, and my child isn't even 2 yet! I keep telling myself,"She'll only be little once," just to get through the super tough days. You know, the ones after no sleep and you wake up to the crabby, fusspot child you're supposed to love, cuddle, and wait on all day?? I just LOVE those days. Maybe we should go to lunch CHILDLESS sometime!! You know, take a day to be selfish ;)

Danae said...

ooo ooo!! Yes, Vicki, let's do lunch childless, that would be so fun!! I can't wait to pick a date!!!