Today I feel closer to the psychos. To all those people who "go off the deep end"as we like to say, shaking our heads. I feel closer to the twenty-year old deputy who shot his girfriend and her friends two days ago; closer to my old friend's mom who one night while I was having a slumber party at their house never came home. They found her a couple of days later, passed out from an overdose in her car on the side of highway 80 near Truckee.
I called Ethan stupid today. Not to his face, but still.
Its just been one of those days when thoughts and feelings are all out of place (is my period comming?) and the world is not well.
I was walking to my car from class and I happened to look up, to catch a glimps of this amazingly happy blue sky. It was so big, and it reminded me that it is big.
And I am very small.
I came home and thought I should read my Bible. So after I made a grilled cheese in the microwave I turned on our new fireplace, put some hot water on the stove, and grabbed my forelorn and almost forgotton journal, and the Bible Joey bought while we were in Mt. Hermon.
I flipped through it and saw a note he had made in blue pen: "God's word gives us wisdom and makes us happy!"
I went to the back to look up comfort, because I thought that was what I wanted to read about. But before I got to the "C's" I saw the word "Delivered".
"Delivered" is such a better word than "Comfort", at least from my viewpoint right now. Delivered is strong, confident, done. It means whatever was going on has passed.
That's what I want.
There were two verses under delivered that were from Psalm 34. This almost made me smile because I knew God was near me...I had forgotton, like I always do, and then He reminds me in these little ways, "I am right here Danae. Right here."
Psalm 34 was the psalm we had read at our wedding. I have come back to it many Many many times, and it has shown me so many good things. True things.
So I read it again, and this time this is the verse that hit my heart:
Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
The first verse reminded me of the great big blue sky; to look UP at things that are bigger than me, like the sky, like God. Like his wisdom and his control, and his love for me.
The latter was a duh moment; we suffer so that we can experience the nearness of God.
Like Lewis said, he whispers to us in our joy, and screams at us in our pain. And his nearness is so sweet; I have yet to have experienced a pain greater than the sweetness of his presence.
Ethan cries now, and I feel weary.
Go on, he says, go on. You hold your son, and I will hold you.