Friday, January 9, 2009

Wait.

I loved being pregnant. I can't remember one bad day, save for a Tuesday at the beginning when I felt car sick even though I was sitting still as a stone on my bed, and then that last day when I went into labor hell. But for the time in between I felt more beautiful then I have ever felt, even though my thighs were large and bumpy, and I had energy, and joy, I have not felt since.
My sister mentioned "contentment" in my voice when I write about being at home. I am not so sure if it's contentment or just a change of perspective.
I want to have another baby and getting pregnant again has not happened as quickly as we thought it would. Ethan was a "surprise" so we thought we would have no problem getting pregnant again. Now yesterday my mom mentions scar tissue from Ethan's labor, and my heart sinks. This is what I am thinking about when I am playing with Ethan all day, this could be it.
Joey talked to me about getting on some sort of a schedule. In fact, right when I quit my job, I was all for it, I mean, how was I going to survive being at home without a bazillion things to get done and go to each day? But things are different now; being at home has it's own rhythm, and it's appointments are much more flexible then the world outside. Hours are longer, and I have time to read, write, clean, cook, and nap almost everyday. And Ethan is right there, playing or singing or pretending to read on his little pot. The thought that this "schedule" does not have an end point is a luxury beyond words. I still have not really grasped it.
But all this time to play with Ethan and take care of my home makes me want to fill it with children. And it's just not happening. We haven't been trying to too too long, but when you think you're miss fertile myrtle and turns out you aren't, the months seem like years. Another pregnancy test--which by the way I am not buying any more. Shoot, I've spent well over a hundred dollars on those stupid things and they just make me depressed--another thirty days. Seems like all you do is wait, with a heavy heart that sinks lower and lower into your chest as each month goes by.

3 comments:

Jooste Roost said...

Everyone has told me that the harder you "try" the less likely it will happen. I think you are fine - just recovering from a VERY stressful lifestyle. Relax and just let in happen... the worst think you can do right now is worry about it. You are still young, I am as confident as I can be that you will have another one. My friend (who is 38 right now and about to deliver her FIRST in 9 days) tried for 5 years and had 2 miscarriages - and now she's beautifully pregnant and about to meet her little boy. Another friend and her husband tried for 8 or 9 years and finally gave up and adopted and then became pregnant (because they weren't "trying" anymore!) And now that their first is 9 months she's pregnant again! Another BIG surprise to them! They never dreamed they could get pregnant once let alone twice! So see... Just relax and let it happen when it is going to happen :) I'll pray for you !

Dea said...

AMEN just relax and enjoy the time you have with ethan and God will add to your joy and family when he's ready! I would like to say however i'm excited at the possibility of more new babies but i love the kids we have :)

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