Somewhere in the Middle.

I've learned this last year, after almost busting my family in two (yes, yes, it was that bad), that I have limits. I've done the whole overworked thing, working forty plus hours a week; I've done the whole stay at home thing, which left me desperately needy for affirmation and fulfillment from my husband which almost drove him mad; and now I am trying to stay in the middle, somewhere my life has work, a healthy amount of stress, rest, and joy. The balance when you have little children (and probably big children too) is tricky.
Now that I am back at work it is so easy to keep saying yes! yes! to every opportunity that is thrown my way. I'm learning to say no, to take the chunk of clay God has given me that is my life and carve away those things that aren't contributing to it becoming something good, something recognizable. My sculpture so far looks a little something like this:
Joey: time for us to do fun things together, not just the everyday crap. Keeping things special.
Ethan and Noah: right now these two are a huge chunk of the clay. They require meals and nap times and it seems twenty four hour attention, unless I put Thomas the Train on the TV. I want to have enough energy for stories and tickling, enough patience to not blow up when they aren't behaving the way I want them to, enough vision to see the big picture and help nurture them into the little men of the their potential.
Myself: working out, decorating and organizing my house, writing, making homemade things, cooking, reading, silence and time with God, music, pictures. Working enough to feel like I am growing, but not too much so that I feel overwhelmed and scared.
Somehow I want to serve and hang out with friends in the midst of all that. My time with God right now consists of long showers, but only if Ethan isn't in the bathroom opening the shower door every three minutes to tell me something or ask when I am going to get out. For right now, that's my solitude. I can totally relate to Sarah Edward putting a table cloth over her head in the middle of the kitchen--a sign to her children to KEEP AWAY so she could pray.
I've had a couple of people tell me lately that this phase of life ends, and I wanted to throw my hands in the air and say THANK YOU! Most of the time all I hear is "treasure this time!" and it makes me feel so guilty because I feel like we are barely making it, and by no means treasuring it. I love my little kids, but between not getting sleep, discipline, screaming in the car, babysitters, drive time, and the constant feeling of being NEEDED, I can honestly say I am looking forward to the day when the boys are somewhat self sufficient.
Most of the time I think I'd rather look back on this time and miss it than be in the middle of it.