Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Home.

I quite my job two days ago. There are a lot of things swimming around in my head.
A "big weight" has not been lifted off my shoulders, like I thought. Although in a sense a lot of pressure is gone--it's just been replaced with new pressure, pressure to train Ethan.
I know going to work for me was easier than being a "full time" mom; the problem was I couldn't handle working full time and even being a "part time" mom. I was getting crazy thoughts and dealing with Ethan was on the verge of making me violent.
I am in my bathrobe and it is two fifteen in the afternoon. I am sipping jasmine green tea. My nails are freshly painted.I've already taken a nap-my right eye is not twitching from lack of sleep. These are my luxuries now.
But Ethan is still awake, whining his room. He's been in there for a solid two hours. And you know what? He will do the same thing tomorrow.
I know staying at home will be good. I can remember what it's like to want to make a home really homey, to want to learn to cook good meals, to be a blessing to my husband (who's he?) and to Ethan, to have time to go to dinners and graduations and birthday parties without feeling like these "extra" things were going to make me snap.
I fought so hard to make this job work--I didn't realize that while I was fighting for it, it was digging itself a big whole in the middle of my heart. I didn't realize that I had actually succeeded in building good relationships with my customers. I thought we all hated each other, deep down. The emails and responses I got from them were so frustrating: "you will be missed" "please keep in touch" "if you ever come back, please call me" " I hope the next person treats me as well as you do"...I wanted to punch the computer screen, throw the telephone.
But it's done and over, and I am trusting that even though my heart is heavy, God guides us. Even when we are unsure.
Since I have not been working, I have had the chance to read Ethan stories without skipping pages because I'm afraid I'll fall asleep before we get to the end. We've danced together. When I kiss him goodnight, I don't question if I am wasting this time I have with him now. I'm starting to get to know him again; he's grown into quite a different boy from a year ago. Smart and persistently stubborn. He sings, even when he is in time out.
It scares the heck out of me to think he's training depends on me.
It scares me like work use to scare me, the same insecurity--Can I do this? Maybe the responses from my customers is one way of God telling me that I can do things that I think I suck at. Even being a mom.