Jan. 30, 2010.

It is so great to see the sun, feel it's warmth coming through my kitchen slider, the car windows when I drive. We went to the YMCA this morning and I taught a kickboxing class. Not sure if the women love me or hate me-think they hate me-but at least we are all sweating and getting a good workout.
I left Noah at the front desk with the lady with the big tooth grin. She's usually cold and distant, but when I went to pick him up, she was all smiles with Noah in her arms. I don't think she wanted to hand him back over, but she had no choice because I wanted my share with the sweet, soft boy. He instantly cuddled into my chest, and I felt warm and wonderful all over. He is a doll.
Ethan seems to be coming out of a very rude, scary stage. Scary because he intimidates me, and he's four. I try to cover that up as much as I can, copying the way Joey talks to him when he's telling him what to do. It seems to work for the most part. In the same breath, he is sweet. Sometimes out of the blue he will take my face in his hands, look me in the eyes, and then, like he is in love with me, tell me he loves me. Then he'll give me a kiss. At first it made me uncomfortable. But I eat it up now. I can't help but picture him doing the same thing to his first girlfriend.
I am making blueberry muffins now and drinking Earl Grey Creme, one of my favorite Teavana teas. I love my Saturdays. I work out, I sleep, I take long showers, I clean, I bake, I cook dinner. Sometimes we go to the library. I try to blog.
Life is so busy these days, it's hard for me to be aware of how I feel as we push push push to get through the week. I have been having a string of bad luck with my car, which seems never ending. I bought the thing in the beginning of this month and it has been to the shop three or four times already, all for different things. It still has something wrong with it--if it sits for more than fifteen hours or so, its back end drops down like it has a load in it's pants. It looks ridiculous. Also, yesterday I noticed two chinks in my front windshield. I am proud of myself for holding back and not screaming my head off.
I am putting off going through Noah's clothes, because that will mean some will be too small, and then what? Give them away? (Joey: "YES! YES!") Box them up? Is it bad to stop having children because you want more closet space? To stop because I don't want to not be able to exercise hard? Because they cost mucho money and are a lot to handle emotionally too? Because I don't want to drive an suburban?
Is it right to keep having children because sometimes I feel like it? Huh. It's hard when there seems no "right way", but mostly I think it's because I don't know what I want. I know I don't want another one now. I want to enjoy what I have. Sometimes the thought of something new is tantalizing, but that doesn't mean when the "new thing" (baby, in this case) actualizes it will be as wonderful as the thought of it was.
How many kids do you all want? Why? When do you know you are done? I'm curious.

Tonight.

Three days straight with the boys, due to ear infections. That's right. As in plural, two, one in each boy. I really shouldn't be complaining, seeing as Ethan can go two weeks with so much fluid in his ear his eardrum doesn't vibrate without complaining once of pain. Noah on the other hand...complains. He's starting to come around; the poor boy at least smiled a couple of times today and cooed a bit like his old, jolly self.
I've enjoyed the time at home, relaxing, taking a bath, making dinner. We've only had about one psycho mom moment a day, which is pretty good.
Tonight I made dinner, something I haven't done in months, ever since I started working in the evenings. I made pasta with homemade alfredo sauce, salmon with lemon, garlic, and dill, and sliced red tomatoes on the side. It was pretty much amazing, despite the fact Ethan had to take a poo right as I put it on the table, and then he decided he wanted to make up an eternally long song while playing drums with the empty toilet paper roll on the bathroom counter. Now it seems kinda funny. At the time, I was about to blow. I wanted my dinner and I wanted it hot. In the midst of all of this Noah would not let me put him down, and my shoulder and neck are paying for it right now.
Ethan eventually came out of the bathroom, first naked, second naked, third naked (I was really about to lose it here) and finally with his pajamas on.
Cold salmon really isn't that bad, but the cold alfredo noodles were a bit of a disappointment.
After Ethan ate his noodles one. at. a. time. we watched Veggie Tales and ate Jelly Bellies. Then I put the boys to bed early, and I think I will go to bed too. My weekends are for me, my boys, and sleep.

Excited.

I stayed home from work today to be with Noah, who is feeling hot and needy. He's pooping ALL OF THE TIME, big nasty wet ones, so his bottom is just a mess.
He's sleeping now and I am all anxious and excited because I just made a little commitment to get up at 4:30 every morning and cold call.
Yes, I am back in the freight business. At home. It's an endless opportunity and only time will tell where it will lead me, but I have to try it again.
I am scared, but challenging myself like this is good.
Here we go...

Family.

We celebrated Ethan's fourth birthday up at Graeagle. I misread the directions and switched the water amount for the oil amount while making the cake. Whoops. It was a little heavy.
Then we went sledding. The boys had so much fun. The bigger boys had even more fun--they stayed out long after we had all gone in on the "adult hill", letting their testosterone reach it's full potential. We are lucky there were no trips to the hospital. You'd be surprised how much air you can catch on a plastic, neon orange, $9 sled.

Ampa working hard.
My nephew, oh how I love this kid. He is one of a kind.

The babies all snuggled up. Sometimes I prefer a cozy blanket to a coat too.

And finally, it was so great to have Daelynn, Chuy, and Liana with us. I am so thankful for my family!

Just for the Sake of Absurdity: Seriously, Part II.

So I am leaving a girls' night out, it's raining cats and dogs, and I am in my new, not-yet-fixed car. I pull up to a monster size security gate and it starts to open. Toward me. I freak out, think this is not happening, realize it is, wonder if I pulled up to the exit gate, lay on my horn in one last attempt to stop the damn thing before it barrels into the front of my car. This time I did not laugh.
Someone shoot me please.

The Last Ten Years...up until Monday.

2000
I am living in Brazil, speaking portugese, walking everywhere, eating only fruit. I'm all bones.
2001
I come home and blow up. I start TMCC high school and buy a snickers everyday from the snack machine. I wear blue scrubs or skirts, the only things that are comfortable. I want to drive my champagne Honda Accord off a cliff.
After a long talk in the middle of the night with my mom, I join Weight Watchers. We go every Thursday night and the middle age fat ladies become my friends. I love their smiles, their rosy cheeks. We joke as we stand in line, waiting to be "weighed in" about our weight and out failures during the week. I learn to not take myself so seriously.
2002
I meet Joey Lear. He's calm and peaceful. I can't stop thinking about making out with him during our high school graduation ceremony. I can't stop thinking about him, ever.
I move to Santa Cruz for the summer. Joey stays home. He comes and visits every month or so, and we sleep on rocks over looking the ocean.
2003
I start college. I get crappy grades, due in full to my boyfriend who I can't stop thinking about. We go out, we break up, then we go out again. About a hundred times.
I go back to Santa Cruz for the summer and Joey comes with me. We have a wonderful, care-free summer in the redwoods. We get up early and run together. We go on dates to Lou Lou's downtown. And one day, on one of our dates, we go in a tiny jewelery store and he buys me a ring.
We get engaged.
2004
We get married and move into a shoe box on campus. Our life is simple: work and school and each other. In December, we go back to Brazil to visit.
2005
We get pregnant. Oops.
2006
Ethan is born in our apartment and almost kills me in the process. We buy our first house.
2007
Joey goes to the police academy. I start teaching kickboxing. We both go back to school. We graduate. Ethan is along for the ride.
2008
Joey becomes more and more involved in his career. I decide to find one myself. I get a job with Schneider. We are making bookoo money but I am not emotionally stable enough to handle the stress of a career and a family. In December, Joey says he can't take another breakdown as his head hits the pillow, and he tells me to quit.
I do the next day.
2009
I get pregnant. My appendix starts to ooze. I have surgery and find myself at home, twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. Bills start to climb and so does my desperateness for attention from my husband.
Joey starts staying out after work. I call a pastor in town for counseling, wanting to get Joey to straighten up.
Counseling straightens me up.
We switch churches. I get a part time job and start making time for things I enjoy. I have the Labor of the Year and the Baby of the Year. We start the slow climb out of debt.
Joey buys his first truck.
The deal falls through and Joey buys his second truck.
I total my car.
I buy a beautiful SUV.
2010
A quick stop at Starbucks lands my new car in the body shop.

Seriously.

And so. We spent Friday all day at the dealership, the same one we bought the truck. I made Joey stop at a couple of others just to "make sure" the car we were going to go haggle for was the one I wanted.
That was a mistake, in one sense. The fat man who met us at our car door was more stereotype used car salesman than the stereotype itself. His hair was long and unkempt and his twelve inch zipper was part way down, and his belt was on sideways. He kept telling us he wasn't the typical car salesman, that he wanted to find me the exact car I wanted, and that if the missing back panel on a piece of junk Element was a deal breaker, we could order one.
The kicker was when he decided to make small talk making fun of cops, and then when we said, Thank you, we may be back, he lied and said he wanted us to come inside to get his business card. Really he wanted us to meet his boss, so she could try to keep us there as long as possible. Joey took one look at me and straight up said in the middle of her asking us what we were looking for, "I'll be in the truck." And he was gone.
I said sorry, but I didn't really mean it, and followed him out the door.
We spent the day back at the Mercedes lot with Rob, the same guy we bought the truck from. I'm sure we have just bought the two least expensive cars Mercedes has ever had. They still treated us well, except for the finance guy, who made it plain and clear he was expecting someone to walk in and pay cash for this car, not finance it for five or six years. I mean, you do feel a little silly haggling over that last two hundred bucks when the cars in the showroom behind you have price tags like $72,000.
But we did, and they gave it to us.
So for the last two days I have been driving this new car like it's worth a Mercedes, going the speed limit or a little under, checking my mirrors ten times before backing up, going over speed bumps at zero miles an hour. I set up my ipod before I start driving and don't change the song even if its on my nerves a little bit.
I stopped by Starbuck's before work, excited to get a drink with my card from my Christmas stocking. I was just from the chiropractor, and I felt relaxed. I had plenty of time before work. I pulled into the parking place super slow, as has been my accustom since I totaled my car and almost killed myself a week ago. As I turned to lock the car before going into Starbucks, I thought, for the hundredth time since we bought the thing on Friday, Man what a pretty car. I can't believe I have this.
I got my tall extra hot chai and was walking back toward that beautiful car when I saw a well dressed man on the cell phone. He said to whoever was talking to, "Oh, here's the lady. Let me talk to her." and he closed his phone. I thought he might need directions, or was from out of town or something.
"You know, I could have just driven away, but I slid on some ice..."
And he side swiped my new car.
I just laughed.
Seriously? Seriously?
*sigh*.