Settling in.

It is quiet and stormy and perfect.

I'm thinking about this baby.

I'm amazed at how crazy and hopeless my marriage can seem at one moment, and how peaceful and full of grace and love it can seem in the next.

This afternoon I held Ethan like I used to hold him when he was as small as a floppy puppy, rocking him in the same chair we used to rock in twelve times a day (he was really sleepy so this all worked). I held him close to my growing chest and felt the same feelings of contentment and fullness that I remember feeling when he was so small, and I met all of his needs. He made his forgotten but all too familiar sucking sounds and motions with his small lips around his sippy, and I remembered nursing him.

I tried not to be rushed, like when he was an infant. I feel I am always rushing to get him out of my hair now-Go to sleep! Go outside! Watch a movie!-and it felt really good to let all that hurry go somewhere else, and leave me be to rock him, slowly.

Tagged.

I can't lie. I totally cheated. Emery tagged me this morning-take your picture RIGHT this second without sprucing up a darn thing-but we were late to grandmas and waiting for my computer to load and all that crap just didn't happen. So this is what I look like at four in the afternoon. Right after a nap. Still, quite a different picture than what you would have seen at seven in the morning. Just picture my hair with a ton more volume, like a dark brown bike helmet, with random hair pokey's here and there, and my eyes dark and sunken unto my head, with no mascara to pull them out. SO...now I get to tag KELLY and DEAIRA! (If you cheat, I understand).

I miss Joey. He's away. I was mad as hell. But today driving to Burlington some dumb country song and the prayers from my family all collided at the same time, hitting my heart, and I realized all the anger I was feeling for him was really a whole ton of longing. The last couple of times we've spoken on the phone I have been short, giving him only one word answers. I wanted to make it plain as day that I hated his guts. I love my husband dearly, but the man is clueless, having never attended How To Make Danae Happy school.
This marriage thing is a ride. Honestly I never imagined it would be this painful, and scary.
I found out yesterday this little guy in my uterus is a boy. I never thought of myself being a mother to boys and I feel outnumbered. I grew up with girls, I have all girl friends, and boys (especially lately,especially the ones I live with) I just don't get. They are weird, like aliens. I am trying to get Ethan's new room ready, and I am having the hardest time picking the bedding, the wall color, everything, because I'm just not comfortable with boy stuff. I keep second guessing myself: But do boys like this???
I guess as long as it's not girly, they don't care--except Ethan loves this pink guitar, and that really is the sweetest thing ever.

On Three.

I'd write something but I can't get Ethan to leave me alone for four seconds. Three year olds are intense. I am dying to throw him into preschool somewhere.

Just because.

I think I've started like three or four blogs over the past couple of days, and haven't push "publish" on any of them. I am in a little funk here.
Some good things that are happening is that in one week and an hour exactly I will be at my appointment to find out if this baby is a boy or a girl. I have a couple names that keep holding on, which gives me hope that I might actually find one that feels natural by the time the baby is born in September.
I am looking forward to this afternoon, because we are having friends over in this glorious weather to share Papa Murphy's pizzas and a big salad and yummy drinks. We also will get to hold their brand new baby girl, Lily, who is not even a week old. She is the sweetest, most peaceful thing I have ever seen.
Joey is playing golf. Fiebe is limping, she's probably got a tiny thorn in her tiny foot. Ethan has a runny nose.

French Toast and Brownies.

I got up and made them both french toast. For Joey I made coffee, since I am really not supposed to be drinking the stuff myself, even though I have almost everyday since I found out I was pregnant. Giving up alcohol seemed enough until I read in this real "natural" pregnancy book that women who drank eight cups of coffee a day had a fifty percent higher chance of having a stillborn.
So I just had a little cup, and didn't finish all of it. So what's that? A 1% chance or something? (I hate pregnancy books.)

But anyways my point was that I was trying to be nice, trying to be all wifely, you know. Serve him like he was the "king of this castle", like that marriage book I flipped through yesterday told me to do. And the night before he had told me he really likes french toast, like way more than waffles or pancakes (which is what I have been making for the last FIVE years), so I got up and made french toast.

Even though my good deed did make me feel nice for about thirty minutes, I was in a bad mood by the time everything was cleaned up and put away.

I locked myself in my bedroom and did some yoga/kickboxing/dance stretching. I thought this would help (Yahoo posted today that to be happy in thirty minutes one thing you can do is increase your physical activity) but it didn't.

I unlocked the door (bad idea) and got in the shower, and Ethan was soon begging to come in with me. In about three minutes I was screaming at him to not hang on the towel rack. He was sent to time out for a bad attitude, and I got to finish my shower in peace, even though I needed a time out for a bad attitude too.

This mood has hung around all day. It's really quite annoying. I think it's my hair, ( I look like one of the Beatles. Growing hair out sucks.) and my growing thighs, and Ethan for being so darn demanding and Joey for not loving me like I want him too.

Boo hoos.

Sometimes writing these things help to get them out of my heart, or at least makes me see what a sissy I am being.

At one point today I told Joey I was in a bad mood, wanting him to ask why, and if there was anything he could do (like maybe hug me for gosh sakes) and he said, " Yeah, I noticed. That happens sometimes."

I hate men sometimes. One, for being so logical, and two, for being so insensitive.

I took a little nap, which usually makes me feel worse but today for some reason made me feel a little better. Joey left for softball and I took a bath. Once I got out of the bath, I had finally decided to really turn things around, so Ethan and I made brownies for dinner. The best part was when he turned to me with his hands and face covered in batter and said, "Mmmmm, I like chocolate when it's not maked yet." I totoally agree. So anyways, now I am writing. It's late, and I am rushing to be done so that when Joey comes home I can be there for him. There is a part of me that still wants to be mean, even though he called, wants to hang out when he gets home.

I need another brownie.

Family.

I love my family!

Drawing to a Close.

Last night the whole family went to dinner, some cowboy place that others have raved about but I thought was a little soggy overall. Ethan was in a mood, which in turn put Joey in a mood, which in turn put me in a mood. In the midst of everyone's polite conversation, we all kept giving each other dirty looks.
Afterward we took the boys to Jump Man Jump, one of the most fun places in this whole town. The boys run and jump (obviously) and everyone smiles a lot. The boys didn't necessarily play together, like I thought they would, but they each had their own jumping good time. Ethan liked a particular round bounce house this time, while Andrew preferred what Ethan refers to as the "obstacle course". It was the cutest thing to watch his blue flannel blur past as he ran to get back in, over and over. Deana could barely keep up and I definitely could not; this whole pregnancy belly has put the big kibosh on any cardiovascular exercise that requires more vigor than a slow stroll.
It is sad to think that Deana and Andrew's visit is coming to an end, but not really sad like it would be if they weren't MOVING HERE in three months. I can't wait to be a part of Andrew's life more day to day. Of course, not quite as day to day as this vacation has been--my dishwasher has been loaded once in the last two weeks, my floors have not been vacuumed, and in all reality doing any housework seems odd, like it was something I used to do years ago, but don't do anymore.
Yeah, big reality check coming on Friday afternoon, when they get in that darling blue Volvo to head out of town, and everything is quiet again. The house will be calling, "CLEAN ME."
Joey has been quite patient.
A couple nights ago we watched Marley and Me, and I sobbed like a baby, totally embarrassed on the couch next to Joey while he just sat there. In fact, I think he was laughing at me on the inside. I could barely keep it together--my emotional and bodily reaction wanted to sob like everyone I had ever loved was being put down with that darn dog.
Then last night I dreamt Joey let me get not one, not two, but three lab puppies. Even I was a little overwhelmed, what with the potty training and all. Five dogs in my kitchen was a little crowded, but I liked it. And then I woke up and realized it was only a dream, and my two little doggies sleeping in my kitchen needed to go outside to pee and would want their breakfast.
I didn't mention the dream to Joey; stuff like that just irritates him.

Are We Having Fun Yet?

Life has been so fun with Deana and Andrew! I love seeing my nephew everyday. I love getting to know him, his sweet little way he talks, his tongue "trick" he does, and the way he calls me, "Auntie Nae". Melts my heart.

A list because my brain wants to sleep.

*I am waiting for my husband's plane to land so that we can be together again. It's not supposed to come in till eleven, and even though my eyelids feel droopy I don't mind staying up past my nine o'clock bedtime to pick him up.
*Today was spent with Deana and Andrew. It has been the best day I have had in a long time. Ethan and Andrew play so well together, they seem to understand each other's weaknesses; and even though they fight, they are comfortable with each other, like brothers.
*The weather has been so kind, giving us sunshine and only a slight wind.
*Being with Deana feels like home.