Saturday, May 14, 2011

Mommy Guilt, Part One of Many I'm Sure.

Ahhh Saturday! I remember the weekends being such a refuge when I worked fulltime before and here they are again. I appreciate days off so much more, I appreciate sleep so much more, I appreciate wine so much more.
Let's start off by letting you know I have been dealing with chronic back pain. There's a part of me that just wants to ignore it but the other part of me can't because, well, it hurts. All the time. I don't know what it's from but I have a feeling it's from overuse particularly in kickbox and also maybe yoga and then there's my whole cracking-every-crackable-joint-in-my-body issue that I've had for fourteen years. That could be it. Anyway, I'm worried.
So I guess I will just ignore it because who wants to pay for an MRI or CT? Not me. I've already had to do that once when my appendix decided to blow (while I was prego with Noah) in between insurances. Great timing, God.
Even while I sit here trying to ignore it the pain from my neck is giving me a headache in the lower back of my skull. AWESOME!
I'm sort of looking forward to cleaning today, getting my house looking nice and smelling good. Ironically it's so much less dirty then when I was working part time because WE AREN'T HERE TO MESS IT UP FIVE MILLION TIMES A DAY. So it should be a relatively quick clean.
I am still loving my new job. It's a great fit for me and I am excited to be fully off training and on my own.
I still am having fits of mommy guilt over it, lying in bed unable to sleep wondering if this is all a big mistake, and I am only doing this to take the easy way out. Being  a fulltime stay-at-home mom is not my cup of tea but I feel like kaka over it. Instead of looking at this work opportunity as something totally awesome and fulfilling and financially helpful and an answer to my desperate prayers, I lie in bed wondering if it's an opportunity from the devil himself and the beginning of the end for me and my children.
I'd like to think the pressures I feel are from outside of myself but they're not. They are from my own gut, my own soul. They are from this awful habit I have of comparing myself to every other mother out there and  coming up short every time even though no other two moms' lives look the same, but for some reason everyone else is doing it right and I am the only one royally messing things up in the maternal area.
I have to consciously remind myself that all those wonderful above feelings are from my own insecurities, period.
And then of course, looking at reality also helps. Like the fact that I noticed last night, after too weeks of working fulltime,  I was able to laugh and enjoy both my boys for the first time in what seems like a very long time. That I am not rushing out of the bedtime routines to fall on the couch completely exhausted and overwhelmed by their questions and crying. That I linger while singing them songs, tickling their backs, pulling the covers up close. That when Ethan is procrastinating and delaying his bedtime as long as he possibly can, I can laugh it off with my husband and say, "That kid!" instead of wanting to shoot myself in the head.
The flip side to all of this is that annoying little voice (my conscience? a book I read? the spirit? the devil?) in my head telling me you are running away from your children because it's hard! you are taking the easy way out and it will eventually come back to bite you in the butt, like maybe your children will end up in the state prison because of it! And you will be perpetually unfulfilled for going after things that aren't really important (like financial security and a fulfilling job) instead of raising your children twenty-four-seven! I could go on-the little voice in my head certainly does-but I will spare you.
Man, this is all putting me in a depressing mood.
Maybe it's time I go grab my lemon scented Lysol and fill the air with clean happiness.


Steve & Dea said...

Its so easy to feel guilty isn't it. I sometimes feel guilty about staying home even tho its all I've ever wanted. I love staying home but I feel guilty for not working and the thought of how we could have that "life we want" a little faster if I did go back to work. I think being a mom comes with guilt because we love our kids so much. At the end of the day I trust that God has me where He wants me and He provides for our every need and I'm the Mom God wants my kid(s) to have and that helps me let my guilt go :)

Mama said...

hunny. pray and be in the Word. God will speak to you through HIS word and clarify that still small voice so that you can hear what HE has to say to you, instead of the insecurities and satan trying to discourage you. I love you and I think you are amazing.

Danae said...

Thanks girls, both comments are very comforting and encouraging to me. Xo.

Danae said...
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