Saturday, July 19, 2008

And the Rains Came, and Washed it All Away.

Before the rain:

My dad said to me this afternoon, "Danae, you all right?" There is something about my dad walking up to me, looking at me right in the face, and asking if I am all right that releases the floodgates. I will not even know I am not alright until he asks me in that very caring way of his. "It seems like you are holding the weight of the world on your shoulders."
Would he just stop please?
The thing is sometimes I feel like life is gobbling me up. Like it's overtaking me like a flood of rain and mud, and I'm struggling like a kitten in an ocean to keep from drowning. Like I am holding the world, somewhere in between the right and left shoulder blades.
Life seems to just come so dang fast, like this flash flood which took out our backyard in a matter of fifteen minutes.
I used to sing a song when I was a little girl. I got it off the Salty tapes, which were red, by the way. It was the sweetest song, and as a little girl I thought it was just beautiful:
I cast all my cares upon You
I lay all of my burdens
down at Your feet
And anytime, I don't know, what to do
I will cast all my cares upon You.
It's not just the yard. It's living in a place we don't want to. It's being tied to a mortgage so big I can't even comprehend it. It's my husband having a job that has made him serious and callused and tired, even though he fights it like a warrior. It's my new job, opening me up to the cares and concerns and stresses of hundreds of people across the United States, and I have no idea what I am doing. It's sweet little Ethan, who watches me cry in the car from place to place, his young face so full of concern and worry when I look back in the rear view mirror, my eyes red and watery.
I can't remember the last time I prayed, the last time I laid my burdens down at His feet. I don't know how.


Lindy said...

I really can relate to this feeling. I've probably had it on several different occasions, and I wish that I could say that I've figured out exactly how to "lay my burdens down at His feet"... it's not something that's tangible or makes sense to us. I heard a message in sermon recently that comes to mind and maybe can be applied- it's that while we are in constant change, God is the same today, yesterday and tomorrow. It's frustrating and comforting at the same time, huh? I'm starting to think that maybe giving our burdens to Him means taking our focus off ourselves and putting our focus on Him, embracing His unchanging character, knowing He is in COMPLETE control and nothing happens outside of His rule. It's a perceptive thing which is hard to obtain and frankly impossible to keep 100% of the time given our fallen state, but hey, yet another example of how we suck and He is awesome and always has that unending supply of love to poor out on us. I remember also hearing somewhere that when we feel far away from God, it is not because He is far away, it is because we aren't paying attention. He is always there. Always close.

Didn't mean to start preaching :-P I love you and miss you and it was so good seeing you at Kelly's a couple days ago. Talk to you soon I hope!

undsrvd said...

AMEN! Thanks for preaching. That was awesome, Lindy!

Dea said...

Psalty tapes were the best thing ever! those songs those memories still come back to me during trials in my life and they are God's gentle way of reminding me who is really in control and who I need to be looking to! I found the whole ste on cd for like $100 awhile back i wanna buy em and listen to em all over again!