I don't realize it day to day, but underneath my usual emotions I am totally freaking out.
The thing with being a cop's spouse, or a human being, is that there is an incredible urge deep in our souls to control the universe.
That's why when I wake up at 1:38 in the morning, I think, Lord, why did you have me wake up? Is something wrong? And then I wait for the phone to ring, for my cue to go to the hospital because something bad has happened.
And then later that day, when life happens and the guitar is completely out of tune because Ethan turned the doo-hickeys at the end and I have to lead worship in an hour and the tuner's battery is dead and the printer won't work and I want to throw the laptop into the TV--I hang up on you because I can't handle all that on top of getting no sleep because I was waiting for the phone to ring to go to the hospital at 1:38 am.
What I am trying to say is I see even more why cop marriages fail 80% of the time. It takes a lot of something (alcohol, TV, friends,--or ideally--faith) to stop freaking out about all the "what-ifs".
I thought I had trusted the Lord with Joey's life, but now I see I hadn't...it's actually a very painful thing, this letting go, this trusting. Like someone is prying the universe out of my hands, because I super-glued it there.
2 comments:
ah yes, I had a day like that yesterday. why, I ask myself, do i want to control the universe, when God can do it so much better? When I could have peace and joy if I left it to Him. Why do we make things so hard for ourselves (and our families?) Why can't we rest in his Love, His gospel, His gift. And trust. I'm praying for you...
love you lots and miss you to tears...
Hey Deana,
Joey is going to sign me up for skype tonight and we bought a camera too! We cancelled our land line long distance so we can just chat on that.
I really miss you too. Sometimes I wish you were close so we could just hang out, or go to the park together with the boys.
Love you!
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