Grace.

Prayer.
One time not long ago I came to the realization that praying wasn't so much doing as being.
Pray without ceasing...
I am always praying. The question is to WHO; myself or God. Most of the time I am praying to myself. Listening to my feelings. Reiterating my good qualities and ignoring any darkness.
In fact lately this has been so obvious to me that I have at rare times been placed in a state of awe and wonder (the foundations for joy) when I realize any good in me or my life is God's hand, his intervention. And I think, "Ohmygosh I can see it. I can see HIM in me. This whole religion thing isn't fake. I SEE IT. I see His fruit in my life. Holy crap. Hallelujah."
It's so practical people! so tangible! so obvious!
The pain in all of this is that for God's grace in my life to be so obvious, my own inclinations have to be as obvious too.
And this is where it has been hard.
I am so naturally angry. So naturally ready to say, "Screw it. Screw you. " So naturally ready to defend myself and protect my little heart, no matter what the costs: loss of relationships, loss of reputation, loss of God's glory.
Loss of God's glory.
Even a year ago I would have turned my nose up to that statement. Not because I didn't want to be a christian or want to love God or anything like that, but just because I didn't get it. I didn't understand it. What does that look like??? Could we stop talking about God's glory and start talking about something practical??
I now have had the second explainable experience in my life where I have seen the glory of God play out and it looks something like this: I am walking down a road filled with sin. I am enjoying it. It makes me feel good. I am led by my own thoughts, my own inclinations. But God, being rich in mercy....reaches down through people who love me, through books, and through music and turns my little body around. Turns my mind around. Turns my heart around. And suddenly I see what I was walking away from: companionship. goodness. love. peace. protection. (This is when I almost didn't marry Joey).
And now, today. It is obvious to me my being needs to be in a constant state of prayer, to God, the One who changes, or else my heart shrivels and turns gray and stops beating, in one sense. In the sense I say, "I give up. Screw this."
I pray for the scales to once more fall from my eyes, for my heart to be soft, to not fear, to see the bigger picture. God's view.
Oh Lord, be to us as eyes...