Title.

I'm home and all the writing juice has been squeezed out of me the way Ethan would empty a tube of toothpaste if he had the chance.
We are just waiting, waiting for the time to pass to get everything together to get in the van and go to Nawnie and Ampa's, so I can go exercise. Ethan is eating, sort of, a bowl of cereal. Joey is walking around with a blue toothbrush and white suds hanging out of his mouth.
Really. These piddly observations are all I can muster out right now.

Hope and Praise and Thankfulness in the midst of Ambiguity Hell.

I am so excited at the prospect of this new job. I am excited about what it will do for our family, where it will take us, specifically out of crazy wind blown Stead and into the lush center of Reno.
I am excited to take on a challenge and see how far I can go. It's also scary, but I think that's a good thing. It it weren't scary, maybe it wouldn't be worth it.
Of course there are so many unknowns; unknowns I could drown in if I dwelt upon them: What will going back to work forty hours a week do to Ethan? What will it do to my marriage? What will it do to me?
But I am not called to dwell there; I am called to dwell in Christ.
My time with Ethan is sweet, even when he is being whiny and illogical. My patience with him is deep and wide, a grace from God that I am thankful for.
I feel for Joey; I think he is experiencing more of the hardships of what it takes to be a "stay at home mom" than I do right now; I have seen, briefly, that crazy look in his eye.
Last night we were up together at one in the morning, throwing barfed on sheets into the laundry and changing Ethan's bed. He was wide awake, ready to awaken the dawn:
I barfed mama. I barfed. Heading toward the door, Wanna go for a van ride?
The thing is we were doing it together, changing the sheets, dealing with Ethan, and though it was because Joey was up anyway, I appreciated it. This is how I feel in my life right now: like we are both pulling more equal weight, and we can both understand a little more the others' position.
Of course, I have to keep it all in perspective: Joey told me the other night he threw someone down.
You threw someone down? Like on the floor? I ask.
Having to use bodily force against someone, and having them use it against me, is an adrenaline and stress level I just don't have to deal with.
Anyway, I am trying to walk by faith, wondering if this is what it looks like, having to have faith that it is.

Resolve Carpet Cleaner is My Best Friend Forever.

Actually all of this messy toddler madness has been serenely resolved by the most amazing and efficient cleaning supply out there: RESOLVE CARPET CLEANER.
This little red bottle full of liquid magic has successfully removed doggy diareah, ink, and the darkest nail polish you will ever find out of my light carpet.
No mother should be without it.
It should come strapped onto the baby when they come out.

No Reasonable Offer Will Be Refused!

That same morning after I wrote my last post...

I decide to be on top of it or something and re-paint my toenails so they aren't all chipped when I go to church. So I will look pulled together. Or something.

I finish painting over the already five-time-painted-over-and-chipped polish I already have on and go in the bathroom to dry my hair.

Takes about two minutes.

I go back into my bedroom and Ethan has my dark berry nail polish. Open.

He has (actually I was really impressed) painted all ten of his teeny tiny toes. And my carpet of course.

So I do what any young, stunned mother does when things like this happen: I go get the camera.

Let's end on a happy note. Who doesn't like Gerber Daisies?

Toddler for Sale.

I knew the second I saw him I should not have given him my little bottle of Mary Kay Buffing Cream to "pretend" with. Even as I write that I can't believe what a dumb move that was. I just figured he wouldn't be able to get the top off, and if he did, he wouldn't be able to squeeze anything out.
What happened was I left him in his bedroom and went back outside to enjoy the sun with Joey and soon I hear coming through the screen door:
Mommy I got lotion!
And this is what I saw when I open the screen door:

I took it in stride.

Then yesterday Joey got up and could see that I was having one of those mommy days where you feel more like a psycho than a mother, and he told me to put Ethan in his room before I snapped. He said I needed a break from him.

So I did. Ten minutes later it's quiet in there, and I think maybe he went to sleep. Maybe he fell asleep on the floor, playing with his trucks. I pictured him curled up with his yellow blanky, truck in hand, eyes close like an angel. I had forgiven him for being such a poop.

I slowly opened his door, expecting to find the serene scene explained above, and instead I see him crouched behind my ottoman, playing with a little red something.

A little red Santa PEN.

I then see that he has it all over his face, arms, chest.

I take a deep breath. This is OK. No big deal. I walk over to him and that is when I see he has also used the pen to draw huge, ottoman size lines and circles all over the ottoman.

This is when I don't know how I did not go completely and insanely ballistic.

The rest of the night wasn't any better; he screamed in the bath while I was trying to scrub the ink off of him as if they were tattoos; he screamed during dinner; finally I put him to bed early and he screamed then too. It seems all I hear in those cries is: YOU ARE A HORRIBLE MOTHER! when in reality all they are saying is: I'm two and I'm tired.

I photographed the incident.

Strange thing is when I put him to bed, after he had been good and asleep for about three hours, I felt that achy love for him you feel when you see a little bit more what is all at stake, how rare and precious our relationships are. I went in his dark room and kissed his cheek, hoping, almost begging, for him to be able to feel some of that achy love come through my lips and seep into his body. You just want them to know how much you love them, how they can't help but be the center of your world, despite lotions and pens.

105 degrees in the Sun.

It's so hot today. I came home from kickboxing, took a shower, and put on this mustard yellow color cotton dress I bought at Wal-Mart last week for ten dollars. I love it. It's simple and cool.
I had to move all my new flowers into the shade because they just can't handle this sun. I too feel a little droopy and down, a combination of kicking my own butt at kickboxing this morning, Ethan not going down even after a three hour attempt, and the heat.
I wouldn't trade the hotness for anything though. Summer is here, hallelujah!

Finally a post. Sorry for the Delay.

Life has been turned upside down.
It's not a bad thing, just different. Upside down.
I never thought I would work full time and I can't tell you how much of my identity was wrapped up in the deceptively safe place of stay at home mommyhood. It was there that I thought (obviously) that I was being the best christian, the best mom, the best wife, and that anywhere but there, at home, was a lame and materialistic place to be.
Maybe it is.
But that's not the point. The point is I am trusting God, and I am amazed at how big and spacious this "what-a-christian-woman-looks-like" is. I mean, it's actually kinda spacey in here, and a little scary because there is so much darn potential and so many choices.
I can't tell you how amazing my husband has been, how thankful I am for his work and dedication to Ethan and I. Let me brag.
I came home from work yesterday and this is what he had done:
vacuumed
cleaned both bathrooms --woohoo!
mopped all areas needing mopping
cleaned out the laundry room--BIG GROSS PROJECT
made the bed
mowed the lawn
There was more, I can't remember (it's late!) but he did all this while watching Ethan. He's just amazing.
Ok I am done.
In other news we have been re-vamping the backyard and everyday after work I come home and can't wait to go sit outside on my new little patio. I bought pillows yesterday for the chairs, and flowers and pots. It's lovely. The weather is warm and the air sweet with all the blooms. Ethan plays in his new sandbox (or that's the idea. He actually wasn't even into it today the little stinker). We also bought more aspen trees, which I love and would plant like a huge border all around my house if I had a thousand dollars to spend on trees. We could only afford three, and they are lining my walkway to my front door, like friends waiting to greet you. If they die, I will cry.