Eruption.

It's Sunday evening again, the weekend gone as always, much too fast. It's early and quiet, Ethan's muffled voice as he reads out loud in his bedroom coming down the hall. There's hardly any light, just a low lamp light, a three wick candle, and the glow of the computer screen. The refrigerator hums.
Despite the calm outside, inside I feel restless.
So much of my security and sense of happiness comes from my marriage, and when I feel distant or estranged from my husband, the rest of my world seems to feel out of wack as well.
I've tried to reverse this. I've tried to be OK without his attention and affection, but in the end I just whither inside, no matter how hard I work at not needing it. The fact of the matter is I do need it, it's how I am put together.
Lately I've been obsessed with rats. Even writing that seems a little strange and really disgusting, but it's the truth. I visit pet stores on my lunch breaks and hold the little things, I think of names for them like "Red Eyed Clyde" and "Sir William"; or for the girls, "Daisy" or "Coco". It's the puppy obsession all over again.
The rats are a little bit easier to justify; they cost under ten dollars, and I'm thinking if we needed to I could convince my mom to take care of them if we go out of town for the weekend. I've done some reading on them, and supposedly they bond with their owners, they are intelligent enough to learn tricks, they are one of the top five pets for young children, and they are just sweet, despite being very ugly, almost scarey even.
I want something to bond with.
If my husband is pre-occupied, a rat will do.
We talked about this this afternoon. It didn't go over very well; I'm learning in marriage sometimes the truth doesn't. But it must be said: the live, dynamic nature of the relationship forcing the truth to the surface like lava bursting out of a volcano. Forcing the truth to be dealt with, gone through, experienced as it covers and invades every corner of the relationship, from between the sheets to putting the dishes away-it's there. Lying there, waiting to be dealt with, cleaned up.
***
I forget sometimes that my marriage will not carry on without my active participation. So much of the time I take it for granted, waiting for it to give me what I want: affection, affirmation, hugs and kisses galore.
I forget to care for it, forget to nurture it, to respect it as the live and fragile thing that it is. I forget it needs my time, my money, my energy, more than anything else in this life.
Did you know a plant can grow out of a lava rock, if given the right amount of water and sunshine?
It can.
***
I still hope we get the rats. I'm an animal lover. Even ugly ones.