Feeling Sexy?

The remodel is on it's way, we've got the contractor or whoever the heck he is coming over tomorrow night to go over all the details. Yay!!
The remodel inside of me is also well under way, and has been for the last six years or so (umm, no coincidence whatsoever to that being the same age as my first son of course).
I feel like I've had a harder time than most growing up. Being an adult. Taking care of stuff. Like kids. A long time ago Joey and I had a conversation about how he loved being an adult, being able to make his own choices and lead his life. Thinking about being an adult makes me want to go take a nap in the sun in my parents old house, where all the bills are paid and never seen, where I basically have no responsibility whatsoever.
It's this kind of stuff I'm ripping up in me. Or God, or us together, or whatever. It's getting torn up.
I don't know if I'll ever love my autonomy (what's ironic about this is that I have a deep aversion to people telling me what to do, or even suggesting  that I do something other than what I would like to do. Therapist? Anyone?) but my goal here is to not be afraid of it. To embrace it. Squeeze the goodness out of leading my own life, making my own choices- and gasp! living with the consequences.
I'm not really who I thought I would be. I always felt most at home being spontaneous, care free, and at times cavalier.  The thing is having a family, and maybe more so a house so upside down it makes me dizzy living in it, does not jive with being foot loose and fancy free.
Kids, and maybe my boys in particular, are absolute crazy loo loos if not kept on a very tight schedule.  Having to stay on a tight schedule so that our family can function (a long time ago, before we figured this out, Joey and I had this conversation: Why can't our family function? We aren't functioning! And it was true. Everyday was like an atomic bomb that we spent picking up the pieces) does not coincide with doing anything spur of the moment.
Well, maybe that's not all true. I can take the kids to the park spur of the moment, as long as it's in between meal times and nap times and poop times...OK, so really I just proved my point. Life with kids, my kids, is not spur of the moment, it's scheduled. End of story.
So there's something here that isn't right, that needs to be ripped out or re-done or something because it grates on me. 
I think it boils down to how do I learn to love, to give up my desires, without becoming an embittered, selfless martyr?
On a lighter note, Noah loves Adele. Why this is so amazing is that for the most part, Noah doesn't like music. He's always telling me to "STOP SINGING!" in the car and, "Turn dat radio off mom!"but this afternoon, listening to Adele belt out one of her slower, strong rhapsodies, he was joining along. He even had his fist in the air as he held on to the last notes.
And then Ethan was singing, "I'm sexy and I know it" when he asked me, "Mom, what is sexy?"
I told him it was being comfortable with yourself, which I thought was genius. When I told Joey, however, he was less than thrilled with my explanation: "What if he starts to use that word in his vocabulary? Like what if he's at Grammie's, and he says that?"
So, just so you all know, if Ethan starts using the word "sexy" all he's saying is that he is comfortable with himself.
I hope we are all feeling sexy tonight.