Rested.

I actually got to take a nap today. Do you know what that means? That all three of us, The Big One, The Little One, and The Crazy One (that's me) all were sleeping at the same time!!! I don't think this has ever happened in the history of our life together and will probably never ever happen again as long as we live! It was kind of like mama crack for me. I mean, I didn't really sleep, because I kept thinking I was hearing one of them cough or whine when really it was just the deep slumbering breath of one of my dumb dogs but I at least got an hour and half of quiet restfulness. And then I "woke up" and felt sane and not like my life is one big construction roller that can't stop.
Then to top it all off I made a hot bowl of tomato soup and sourdough cheesy bread, and I ate it in peace, listening to my refrigerator kick on, and then off, and then on again. Such a peaceful, comforting sound.
I am still getting over this cold but everyday I blow my nose less and this morning I noticed my mouth didn't feel like someone had torched all the moisture out of it so I must be sleeping with my mouth at least partly closed. I got some Elderberry today for the homeopathic side of things  and then a nose spray that you could probably use to terminate rats for the modern side of the things, just to cover all my bases.
I teach two exercise classes tonight, which will be the sixth and seventh I've taught or just done since Saturday. And I am supposed to be taking it easy. I am learning though that my body cannot take kickboxing at a hundred percent anymore. My back is old and stiff. I feel almost immobile in the mornings. I can't get my pants on or tie my shoes. It's freaking ridiculous. So I am learning to back off a little, take hot showers to relax my muscles, take time off from a hard work out to recover. I want one of those inverter things, like I mentioned before, and a hot tub, sauna, and personal masseuse. In the meantime I make do with really hot, long showers.
Now it is time to go clean. I am getting better at combining the things I love to do (fiddle-fart on the computer) with the things I must do (clean) to make our life run smoothly and in the end be enjoyable for everybody. I have dishes that look like the Leaning Tower of Pisa on both sides of my sink. Somebodies gotta do it. Cheers.

Tuesday.

Don't mess with me today. First of all, I drank twice as much coffee as I normally do, doubling my heart rate and making my teeth clatter while at the same time dropping my blood sugar so that I am on the edge of becoming extremely irritable and then falling over and fainting. Also, I just got back from the sixth trip to the AT&T store, or Costco, where I am trying to take my phone back and get the upgrade returned as well. Supposedly this is a very complicated process and the ding dongs that work both at AT&T and Costco like to pretend I am a ping pong ball and that it is always "the other store's" issue why this is such a pain in the ass.
Then this morning when I was trying to skype with my sister who lives a world away and won't be coming back anytime soon,  the program kept shutting down on us, thirty seconds into our second sentence. Maybe I should try letter writing.
Annnnd it's Joey's first day back to work and chaos returned to normal this morning without him. I see I have my work cut out for me if I want the peaceful feeling to stay that was created when he was home. He's just better at raising the boys than I am in terms of schedules and eating on time and keeping the house cleaned.When I am in charge we play and then we all breakdown, and we eat snacks when we can. And we scramble to clean it all up before daddy comes home. Embarrassing, but true.  It's easy but it's not the healthiest way to live.
So, the effect of all of this--I forgot to mention I slammed Ethan's foot in the door of the car this morning; that was a great way to start an already hectic trip to the park--is that I have a knot in my stomach the size of a soccer ball and I am having trouble breathing, which is making me dizzy and light-headed, or maybe that's the coffee?
At any rate I feel a wee bit overwhelmed and the thought of throwing a new baby in the midst of all this seems just insane (I told you I think about that a lot), and to top it off I have a list of all these little, time consuming things I need to get done before the evening comes, and whenever I have a list of little things I need to do that I don't really know where to start I want to curl up in a ball on the couch and snuggle underneath a warm blanket and suck my thumb. OK, not really but you know what I mean.
I have to be careful what I say on here--my good friend and husband always is so good to remind me that some people don't know me and may think I am quite serious about things, like, for example, sucking my thumb.
I am not serious people! Jeese!
Heh.
But if I did suck my thumb...wink wink.
Anyway, it's been a crazy day and even if I wanted to I don't know if I could go take a nap right now my heart is pumping so fast.
I should probably try though. I have been trying to get over this cold for about a week. It's taken over. Moved in. Totally sabotaged my life. Everything I do has to be measured up against "The Cold". It doesn't let me exercise and it only wants me to eat really spicy foods and it's so dang thirsty all the time! It leaves me with a mouth as dry as the Sahara in the mornings with breath that would wilt a flower and probably kill small insects and a nose that looks like those cinnamon candies I love so much. When I breath I sound like piece of construction equipment. Which is all to say I should probably go rest. I hope I can keep my mouth closed.

On Having Another Baby.

Just read a couple of blogs on the issue of wanting more children. This has been on my mind a lot lately. The idea of not having any more children is a little scary to me, seeing as a little girl I never thought past the point in my life where I would be holding a baby. What do I do with a ten and a six year old? I have no idea. What does life look like with a growing family, not one in diapers? I have no idea. Who am I if I am not a young mom to babies? I have no idea.
And then it was interesting: I was reading Dobsons's Strong Willed Child book and happened to flip to the end where he answers questions, one of which was, When is the best time to have another child? And his answer surprised me. He basically said in terms of the children the spacing doesn't matter; there are pros and cons to whatever ends up happening. What matters most in deciding to have another child is:
THE HEALTH OF THE MOTHER. Really??? My health matters???? My physical health? my emotional health? my spiritual health? Really?
THE FINANCIAL STATE OF THE FAMILY. Really??? You mean if I can afford a child??? That matters??
THE STATE OF THE MARRIAGE. Really???? My relationship to my husband matters???? I am supposed to know and enjoy and have time with him???? Really???
AND FINALLY, the BIG KICKER...THE DESIRE OF BOTH PARENTS TO HAVE ANOTHER CHILD.
Really??? I should want one, and if I don't that's reason enough to stop??? Really???
This was all incredibly freeing to me.

Snippets.

What to write about. We went to Costco today. Noah is wailing in his crib. He's supposed to be napping. Whenever they are "supposed" to be sleeping and they don't it makes my skin crawl.
I got my hair cut today. Some random guy in Walmart yesterday told me I was beautiful. It was one of those moments where I was irritated with Ethan because he was taking so long to get going and I had this horrible, bull-about-to-charge scowl on my face and then suddenly, out of nowhere, I hear that, and I think I said thank you, and then two seconds later I turned around to see where he went and if he was actually real and he had vanished.
I think he was an angel.
Then I went to the eye center to get a new prescription because I switched to soft contacts after that horrible experience with my hard ones, but now my eyes are changing and I feel like I am going blind, or at least that I will be walking around with bi-focals around my neck very soon. It's all quite depressing. I mean, maybe I can make grandma glasses look sexy, right? Maybe? Please?
Also I have been sick for the first time this year. I thought I was doing so well and then BAM it hit me: the chills, the achiness, the dry eyes. I thought I was just sore from working out more than normal or maybe all my years of kickboxing had finally caught up with me and I was destined to be an invalid from here on out, but it turns out I am just sick and will probably recover, thank the Lord.
I do, however, want really really really bad one of those inverter hangy-upside down things, you know what I am taking about? They sell them at Costco for two hundred bucks and whenever I see it I just want to crawl up on it and hang, and let my back stretch out, and reverse all the blood flow to my brain.  I mean, seriously, it takes every effort in the world for me not to hook my ankles in and try it. We have absolutely no room for it but I am willing to have it be on my side of the bed, along with all the guitars and other crap we store there.
I am having phone issues, thus the trip to Costco to return it. Things got a little complicated, however, so we will probably be making another trip back to Costco this evening. Two trips to Costco in one day with two small children! It should be in the Guinness Book of World Records.
In terms of my flu, I am taking echinacea and viatmin C and lots of hot water with vinegar and honey. Also DayQuil and NightQuil which really take the edge off but also leave me feeling like I may fall asleep right in the middle of a conversation or something. Like blogging...

Seven Years. For My Hubby.

These pictures are out of order. I wish I was more techno savvy so that I could make this blog a little more understandable and easy to read, but work with me.  

Some of my favorite moments with you...

Santa Cruz, 2008. Bed and Breakfast on the ocean. Remember the hot tub on the roof, the waves making music against the dark sky?

.

San Fransisco, 2010.

 I had so much fun on this trip with you. It was fun getting to experience and learn something you love so much. I can't wait to go back!

Noah Jay's birth, Sept. 2009. This is one of my sweetest memories with you.  Ethan's would be too if I could remember anything about it besides the fact I almost died.

San Diego, 2008. I love playing with you especially in the summer when there's water around. I love to camp, work out, do yard work, eat, dance, and snuggle on the couch with you. There is no one I'd rather be with.

I feel thankful today, a little overwhelmed, and really proud to be having a seven year anniversary. In the long run it's only the beginning, but to tell you the truth, from the beginning I never thought we'd make it here. I just knew I'd have to take it one day at a time, and trust love to cover what it needed to each day.
And look, seven years later, what love has done.
I feel a richness in the tiny seven years we've been together, building a life. Grace has been abundant. I've learned so much about myself and about you. I love getting to know you.
I can't imagine how seriously lop sided I would be without you in my life. You help to make me a little straighter, less impulsive,  less unsafe. You've helped me become successful in goals I've always wanted to accomplish. I feel like with you behind me, I can do anything I want.
You make me so proud. I can't wait to see and experience and enjoy life with you over the next fifty years or so. I'm not as scared to get old knowing you will be with me.
Thank you for putting up with me. I know sometimes you feel like you have three children, not two. I know my forgetfulness and spaciness can drive you mad. I'm expensive. I try my best but I am only just beginning to understand how you see the world, and how I can help you. I know this blog gives you ulcers.
And through it all, you are the best friend a girl could have. There are no words, just a feeling in my chest that wants to explode with gratitude. Happy Anniversary.

Issues.

Wanting desperately to sleep. Feeling like a wussy that when I actually have to get up before eight a.m. I need a nap at one. Wanting to write but don't really have anything interesting to say. Hoping the caffeine from my matevana tea will kick in soon.
Let's talk about eyeliner. Encouraged by my good friend, I decided to try it. She taught me how and now I wear it everyday. I am still getting used to the thickness, the heaviness on my eyes, but I think I like it. I've gotten a couple of compliments on my teeth, actually, but I think it's because they look whiter in contrast to my dark eyes.
I swear.
I kept pestering Joey, asking him what he thought and finally he said he liked the new eye makeup.  It's like pulling teeth to get one good opinion out of the guy. What do they care about anyway? Oh, right. Cleaning. (at least mine).
Also, concerning the eyeliner, I feel like I finally look like the cool girls, you know the ones in high school who actually looked put together and not like some frizzy-haired-retainer-post-braces-yahoo? Well, I am ten years late but I'm pretty sure I'd be cool now. Better late than never.
Actually in high school I really didn't care. And I do now. Isn't it supposed to be the other way around? Am I really regressing? Mercy.
I went out to lunch, childless, with my good friend yesterday. It was, like, amazing. I never spend time with my girlfriends without children because we are selfless and stupid mothers who just don't think about carving out time for ourselves. But it was so good, like what a good date alone does for me and Joey. Sometimes it's like a light bulb goes on in my head: "DUH! This wouldn't be so damn hard if you'd just plan a little and DO STUFF YOU ACTUALLY LIKE TO DO."
But sometimes the planning is more effort than I have in my mommy brain to even think of. Still, it was a good reminder to think of things I would really like to do, do the planning it takes to do them, and then enjoy.
There is a part of me that doesn't feel at peace with the life I am living. Like underneath I am fighting it the whole way, wanting something else. I hate this feeling. It makes me feel guilty and like I don't value my children like I should. They are so consuming, more consuming than I really can even begin to articulate. It was like something changed about five years ago and even though I want a break, I want a reprieve, it never comes. The ball keeps rolling.
It's not all bad, all hard. But overall, it's frustrating and extremely tiresome...and it's like I can never catch up and feel refreshed. Unless of course I am drunk, and then sometimes even then I'm still worrying about something.
I'm wondering if this horrible feeling ever goes away? Like is this a Little Kid Issue, or will this be with me forever as long as I am still living? Am I just a real wussy?
Probably just a wussy. Obviously this is not the best day in the world. 

Things He Says.

When referring to my bra : "Mama's boo boo cover."
When he has a headache: "My brain hurts."
While sipping on a soda :"This sprite makes my stomach sparkle!"

Just Checking In.

Eating my staple of homemade nachos, salsa, and orange juice. The combination of salty and sweet is perfect. I eat it almost everyday.
Joey is taking the next two weeks off. He's never taken so much time off before. He wants to be a snowboard bum for most of it, and really, I don't blame him. I'd love to be a shopping bum for two weeks too. It's going to be great to have him around, catch up on some of our shows. Seems with all the holiday halabaloo, we missed on the really important stuff, like watching tv together on the couch.
I'm ready for a date night. Dinner, maybe a movie since we have tickets from Christmas. Life is good.

Besides Not Taking Myself So Darn Seriously.

New Year's Resolutions, 2011.
1. Floss more. Flossing makes me feel so sexy, so grown-up, and so responsible all at the same time. I mentioned to Joey the other night that flossing makes me feel very sexy and he looked back at me like I had completely lost my mind. I guess that's a boy/girl difference thing.
2. Drink more water. I never drink water. Ever. I drink coffee, orange juice, beer, and wine. In the winter I also drink tea. But remember that whole eye thing? Well, one of the things I learned at the eye doctor was that I was so dehydrated it was affecting my vision. Oh, really? Normally things don't fade into each other, like one big orange blur?
So here I am, sipping on a cup of hot water. Not too bad really. Sometimes I put a couple teaspoons of apple cider vinegar in there too, because supposedly that stuff will prevent cancer and wrinkles and shit. My great grandmother drank it regularly and she lived quite independently right up into her nineties, so I am a believer; however, I am a little worried about what the acidity is doing to my teeth.
3. Drink less coffee. I say less because I usually have four cups or more in the morning and I don't really care about the caffeine so much as it making my teeth yellowish-brown. So I want to cut back, maybe. Or maybe I will just resolve to brush my teeth right after the coffee. A good brush at ten-o'clock in the morning is a great pick-me-up. Plus, come to think of it, extra brushing, the the middle of the day, makes me feel sexy too.
4. Start a book. About what? How to start? About what? How to end? About what?
5. Get all the details about going back to school. I would really like to go back and get my masters in writing, however, I need to get some guidance on this because of a few things: a, it's very expensive; b, my bachelors has done crap for me; and c, maybe I should get something practical, like a dental hygienist degree thing.
6. Work out more. Haha just kidding.
Then of course there are things I'd like to work on relationally, and emotionally, but we won't get into those here and honestly I am not sure what they are.
So what are yours?? And, (because I've never really had resolutions before) do you ever actually do them?
Cheers!

The Big Five-O.

Ethan is five today. FIVE. It's so wonderful I just can't stand it. FIVE is when people stop saying horrible descriptive words (as in the "terrible" two's and so on) before the age so maybe five will be a little less pulling-out-you-hair-ish than the previous four. I have hope.
It seems to be the case so far: this morning he is bright and all smiles, in his new birthday outfit, ready to celebrate. He still got up at five? six? in the morning, which is his custom, but I can handle telling him to go watch a movie until I get out of bed.
I took him and Noah clothes shopping yesterday, a fact that makes me feel really-super-mom-ish. Of course we got a little desperate by Store Number Two and I had to keep them from killing each other in the dressing room, but we made it! And Ethan was such a trooper, tagging along because he's too big for a stroller (and doubles don't fit in clothes stores anyway) sometimes pushing the stroller for me even though it's probably heavier than he is, what with Noah and all the clothes I have heaped on top to try on.
I just know he is going to have horrible memories of clothes shopping with his mother, the endless feeling of it. I can see it in his eyes.
He wanted a Superman shirt, a blue and red one, but we couldn't find one so we got a Batman one instead. I don't like the Joker on the one half, but what can you do. I couldn't break his little heart.
Anyway, I can't believe he's five. Some wise, old mother (probably) said it well: with children, the does go by very slow and the years go by very fast.
Ethan's smile busts my heart and his spirit fills my soul. He is priceless and there is nothing that compares to him. Happy Five, buddy.