I'm a Yellow.

I need some relief today. Crack would be good. I feel in the midst of four years of "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!" I have completely forgotten how to be a me that I actually like. A me that is fun and carefree and happy and all those things that color quiz on fb said I should be (if you haven't taken it, it's a whole lotta fun. You can find the link on my profile page.) I feel like all I do all day is bark: "Pick up!" "Get your jacket on!" "Go to bed!"
Yesterday I spent the entire afternoon trying on cute clothes that I buy to make me feel good but then hardly ever wear because they are going-out-and-having-fun-clothes, not work-at-a- preschool-come-home-and-clean-clothes. I tried them on with different shoes and earrings and smiled at myself in the mirror for the first time in like seven years. I used to spend afternoons doing this all the time.
Then I got my guitar out and sang some horrible music but it felt good anyways. After exercise I had on my new black beanie from Banana Republic. When I wear it I feel like a hipster (what the heck is that? I don't know.) So I turned on my Pandora Bruno Mars station and danced my heart out in the kitchen while my boys ate their microwave chicken nuggets, wondering what the heck happened to their mom.
And for the first time in forever when Joey came home I didn't feel weak like I needed him to kiss me and adore me to feel good, I just felt good. By myself. For myself. It's hard not to build a wall here between me and Joey called I don't need you.
I'm still working through all that.
But I am learning to not feel guilty for being me, and even, maybe, liking myself. I mean, that yellow person seemed so dang likable. Fun and inviting and sociable. Like the color quiz said, I am spontaneous, I crave adventure, I don't like people controlling me. I can be irresponsible and forgetful (Um hello? children? Yes I have them, and yes I need to pick them up from the sitter after work), but I am a happy person! A likable person.
It's that dang responsibility that gets me. And the feeling of stuckness. The lack of some awesome dream and adventure waiting to be experienced. That and the whining.
Oh God! The whining!
I can be so lost in the moment (like, say, blogging) I give myself five minutes to get myself and two kids ready for work. And then, of course, hell.
But what's hard about that is I feel the best when I am lost in a moment, making a mess, not thinking about the things I SHOULD be doing and just doing what I WANT to be doing.
When all I do is things I should do I get very angry and mean or worse depressed; my face freezes over and my eyes stare out into the distance like I am on a lot of medication.
I haven't yet figured out how to live out both of these things, responsibility and fun. Cleaning and dressing up. Getting ready for work and writing.
Speaking of, the kitchen is an absolute disaster. There are dirty dishes everywhere. Food left out from dinner. I should be getting Ethan ready for bed.
So...maybe I will put on my rap music and clean up, a step, at least in the direction of merging the two extremes.