Fear(less).

Dear Future I will not fear you. I will not fear the thought that I have royally messed up my first son, and will soon be putting the finishing touches of "royal mess up" on my second. I will not fear tomorrow, in thinking that I am too old to accomplish anything. I will not fear the thought of what you hold for my marriage, for my relationships, especially with my two sons. I will not fear drugs on the streets of middle school, of meth and nail polish and whatever else it is that they are injecting or sniffing these days. I will not fear my body, my bones as they ache, especially in the mornings. I will not fear them becoming old and brittle and excruciatingly painful.
I will not fear the red 40 in the fishy gummies I ate on Sunday because I was starving. I will not fear the ice cream, and the cheesecake I ate this weekend. Especially the cheesecake because it was in celebration of Jen's new baby. I will not fear the thought of inheriting all of my mom's bad habits. I will not fear the economy and the fact that we are so upside down in our house we are dizzy. I will not fear the idea of being stuck: physically in this house, emotionally in my relationship with myself and others, and spiritually with the God whom I grew up with.
I will not fear the thought of never moving on, of never reaching my potential. I will not fear the thought that Justin Beiber is like twelve.
I will not fear the rich ones, the ones that drive the nice cars and wear the flashy jeans. I will not fear my husband. I will not fear my four year old. I will not fear old age, the wrinkles that are bound to come no matter how much money I spend on moisturizer. I will not fear the loss of young, effortless beauty. I will not fear the grave, the dirt being shoveled on top of a box that will hold my remains while I am busy meeting my Maker. I will not fear that either.
I will not fear my parents, what they think of me. Or anyone else for that matter. I will not fear relationships and what it takes to maintain them, including conflict. I will not fear the desert, or the valley of death for that matter. I will not fear this afternoon, with lists of things I could do, I should do, and the overwhelming feeling of numbness that accompanies them.
I will not fear cancer, breast cancer, melanoma, and autoimmune diseases I hear about on House. I will not fear the sun.
I will not fear the gap, the emptiness of intimacy I sometimes (more than others) feel in my marriage. I will not fear it.
I will not fear making mistakes because I don't believe in terminal mistakes. Oopsies, yes. Learn and grow, yes. I will not fear mistakes as if they could ruin me.
I will not fear having more children and I will not fear not having more children.
Carpe diem!