Show's Over.

I am just loving these summer days. Wearing dresses, flip flops, not feeling the hair on my legs grow. I am, once again, going through some intense "growing up" season. I never thought I'd be doing this at twenty seven, I thought I grew up when I got married and moved out; turns out not so much.
It's good because I get glimpses of how full of purpose, how inspiring, life was meant to be. I get a little more of an understanding of the lies I am listening to, the depth of them, and it's freeing to be able to see them for what they are and tell them to shut the f up.
And maybe, after a million trillion days at church, I am only now starting to see, through eyes half shut, that God loves me.
I came home from church today and pulled out the guitar. You know if I am singing I am feeling something stirring inside of me, something awakening from the listlessness that usually permeates (although sometimes my guitar and singing makes me even more depressed than when I started). I remind myself today God sees my heart, not the missed notes. He is abba.
He is also safety and protection. Rest for my soul. How sweet, how foreign these thoughts are to me.
I took the boys to church today, without Joey, and for the first time it was OK. Because church is not about my marriage. It's about God. I felt the stirring of the holy spirit within me, awakening me as if from a very long sleep. I sang about hunger and thirst, and realized my soul is starving. I didn't know how hungry I was until I started eating, just a bit, of the word. Psalms. And just like when I was seventeen and anorexic, the more I ate the more I realized how hungry I actually was.
I didn't realize I was neglecting my spirit. Shoving it down, suffocating it with all the to dos and expectations of what I thought my life is supposed to be looking like. Poor little thing. Now that I've let her out for some air, I feel like I should be apologizing to her, for shutting her out, for making her feel worthless and that nobody wants to see her.
We had to put on a show, you see.
He speaks to me so softly. He is heavy, in the air I breath.
I know that you are for me, I know that you are for me. I know that you will never forsake me in my weaknesses.
If you haven't heard this song by Kari Jobe youtube it. (You Are For Me). It broke my heart clean in two, like old walls, like old dirt, crumbling.
We forget God is for us. At least I do. For years, I have forgotten.
And then today, sweet today, I remembered.
I know that you have come now, even if to write upon my heart, to remind me who you are.