being a mommy

Right after I had Ethan I wanted to get pregnant again. Well, not right after; right after I seriously thought that I would NEVER go through labor again. Ever. Even for another child. But then a day passed and I was all hormonal and I really wanted to be pregnant again. Joey even had to tell me to calm down and that he wasn't touching me until the midwife gave the ok, let alone to try for another baby.
But then a year went by. It was a fun year, but it also was a year of feeling like I was off centered; I felt incredibly insecure as a mother, and though I didn't articulate it (it was too big to articulate) I couldn't believe I had been thrown into motherhood without any TRAINING. Ethan was so precious and motherhood made me feel like I was driving drunk most of the time with him in the backseat; my heart almost always in a place of need, wimpering, "Help, help...help me Lord. Don't let me mess him up. He is so perfect...."
I feel a little bit better now. I see that Ethan is who he is, and though I know I have a huge impact on him, I can only give him my best, which most of the time means laughing and tickling and putting on dancing and singing shows as he eats his lunch in his high chair. He always laughs and sometimes claps and says, "Good job! Good job!"
Very recently I have been excited at the thought of having another baby. I think I can get through labor, one more time. The first year of motherhood was incredibly hard; the second has been so sweet, so full of random moments filled with giggling and little tiny words spoken in this little tiny voice. I love to hear him sing.
I would love a girl. I know you aren't supposed to care, but I would really like a little girl. Joey says I can name her Avery Joy. This is a big deal because he has shot down every other girl name I have ever come up with, and I was certain he was going to do the same with this one. But he was quiet for a minute and then said, "Yeah, I like that."
We aren't trying yet; we are thinking next summer. I swear it is one of the best thoughts in the world, creating a baby with the man you love. I can't wait.