Friday, August 9, 2013
It's been awhile now, awhile since I've been lost in writing, letting the movement and rhythm of the words carry me along for the ride. In the meantime though I'm learning a heck of a lot about myself. In a lot of ways it's like meeting someone entirely new, while at the same time maintaining a bored familiarity and often times frustration with the same 'ole me I've known all along. One thing I know to be true: writing makes me feel alive, and to do it well I have to have solitude. I think why this has always been uncomfortable for me is that I consider myself a social person. I like relationships. But as I grow older for me to really enjoy someone's company I have to trust them. And to trust someone takes time. I find myself more and more and more needing times of quiet, times in nature (a mountain wilderness or my back yard will do), time alone. We recently went on a family vacation with all of Joey's side of the family-four couples and their kids, grandma and papa and even great-grandma. We rented the most amazing house you could find in Tahoe, complete with an indoor pool, hot tub, fire pit, in ground trampoline, pool table...I could go on but you get the point! We spent our time together, playing poker or yard games, swimming and eating. On a walk with Joey and the kids, we stumbled upon a quiet, secluded beach. Railroad-tie stairs covered in grainy sand winded down to it's soft, brown beach, Tahoe's tourquous waters resting gently on the shore. Becuase Ethan had his bike and Noah was in his stroller, we didn't go down at the time, much to my disappointment. Quiet, beautiful places like that call out to me, maybe even more so when they come unexpectedly. We went back to the house but the entire rest of the vacation I couldn't stop thinking about that beach. I didn't get to go back, although I thought of it around sunset each night, trying to imagine what it must look like with those colors in the sky, and again in the mornings, wishing my bum could be sitting in it's cool sand, book in hand, listening to the waves. Today I didn't get much solitude, although I did get some great time with my boys. We over did it, which is less of a problem now that they are almost four and seven, and can handle a non stop day with their impulsive mama who likes to keep her options open. We left the house with no plan, other than a doctors appointment at 11. We did this: Stake N' Shake Docotor's Target (school supplies, new make up for me) Marina (park and candy) The Humane Society (looked at the rabbits, pet the cats, looked at the dogs) Rancho San Rafael Park At the park I pointed to the top of the hill where a white gazebo stands. "That's where me and daddy had our first kiss." "Ethan! Did you hear that?? That's where mom got it!" says Noah. "Got what?" Says Ethan. "Got her kiss!" "Really?! That's where you got married?" I had to break it to them that we kissed before we were married. "Oh. So you've kissed twice then." says Ethan. "Yes..." I really didn't have the energy to explain any further. It was a great day with them. No solitude, but time: time building trust, telling first kiss stories.