Monday, June 24, 2013

Lacking Nothing.

I've been freaking out lately (what's new?), mind set on crazy, adamant that I need to make things happen, that if I don't do A and B and C and the whole rest of the alphabet too, well, life just might end in a big catastrophe.
I've been reading Deuteronomy 8, reading about those Israelites almost ready to make it into the promise Land. They've been wondering around in the desert for 40 YEARS so that God could teach them that HE is the one who supplies all we need, HE is the one that goes before us and behind us, HE is the one who gets water out of rocks and sends food from heaven. That we don't have to be in a land flowing with milk and honey to "lack nothing"-that actually even in the desert, the Israelites (and us) still "lack nothing".
God is the same, mighty, faithful, full of love and mercy, whether we are in the desert or in paradise. And he leads us in deserts so that we can learn this, know that even there in the driest, most irritating, annoying, sometimes painful places He is.
We lack nothing.

Monday, June 17, 2013

Family Photos.

Family pictures 2013. Behind the scenes: My hair is dirty and I'm worried about it and Joey is mad we are downtown in public and Noah is being a pain. Don't we all look happy though? Except Noah. Three year olds don't lie, unless it's a story about dragons or something cool. 
Isn't he a cute pain?
Behind the scenes: Joey is an amazing dad.
Handsome Devil.Watch out Second Grade.

Monday, June 10, 2013


It's raining, darkening the grey rocks in the backyard to a deep, shiny, slate color; the grass and plants from their normal, dry yellow green to bright, jungle green. The colors pop against the backdrop of a white sky, covered in clouds.  It's so rare here to get rain that when it happens the day feels special.
Except if you want to go to Tahoe, or if you are at Tahoe, dressed for the beach.
We left after church because it was supposed to be "like 103 degrees" but as we wound up the mountain, we kept driving deeper and deeper into the dark grey clouds. Thunder rumbled. We kept driving, watching the temperature on the dashboard drop a degree with each winding turn. One of those times where you just keep thinking, "He parted the Red Sea for gosh sakes! He can take the clouds away."
Except He didn't. Instead He brought lightening, so we were banned from the water, which caused two simultaneous wails of despair to erupt from the depths of my boys' bellies. I also wailed in despair, only mine was silent because as an adult letting that stuff out, especially in front of the kids, looks bad.
 We decided to stay anyway and bbq'd with my parents and grammie. It rained a little, and then would stop, and then start again. One large gush of wind on the beach caused Joey to cover Noah with his body to protect him from the sharp sand pelting his face, while Ethan ran like a mad man to find cover, in the bathrooms.
Joey and I got to play catch, something we haven't done since I think Ethan was six months old and would sleep in the stroller while we played. It's amazing how long it takes to get some of those things back. The boys ran around chasing squirrels.
On the way home Joey and I got lost in conversation about the future, something that I love to do with him but find it hard in the lives we live: we either are getting things done and prepared for whatever is coming next or staring at our phones to zone out from it all. I find long, winding roads are good for this sort of thing: letting our minds get lost together, the flow of the conversation ebbing back in forth in a natural, effortless way.
We talked about how badly we we want to get out of Stead. How painful the fallout of the decision to buy out here has been-from what we can see now. Eleven years was impossible to imagine when we signed our life away. We thought maybe two, tops. And yet here we are, still, and I just turned thirty!
It's OK. It's one of the many ways I've learned to be an adult. To stay when I want to run away. To keep going when I want to quit. To know it's OK if it doesn't make sense; someday-maybe in this life, maybe not- I'll see it all clearly.
In the meantime I try to remember right now it's not so much about understanding why He doesn't take the clouds away and more about trusting His love for me, always. Sun or rain, ...he makes the clouds his chariot and rides on the wings of the wind.
Sure, we didn't get sunshine and beach and water, but we got the smell of new rain hitting pine trees in the mountains, the feeling of light rain misting our bodies, the back and forth smack of a baseball in my glove, and a long, effortless conversation with my husband that left me feeling closer to him than I've felt in a long while.
I take a deep breath and remember.

Monday, June 3, 2013

On Turning Thirty: An Excuse to Do Things.

I'm running into my thirties, literally as well as figuratively. Figuratively, well, I'm just excited to be out of the chaos of adjustments in my twenties. Adjusting to marriage, to mommy-hood, to no jobs and new jobs, dogs and no dogs and home ownership and all that stuff that costs way more money and is way harder than you can ever imagine. My twenties felt like my head was constantly spinning and when it would start to slow down, just a bit, the only thing that came to mind was: WTF?
Literally, I've decided that turning thirty is an excuse to do things, so I'm running everyday of June, or just about. I actually started at the end of May and then was ill all weekend, blowing up from both ends, so I had to put my little goal on the back burner, but I'm ready to hit the road at zero dark thirty tomorrow morning. Running makes me feel bad ass, and why not do something that makes you feel bad ass?
I also thought I would add "and drink only H2O" to my little goal as well, but that quickly got thrown out the window  as I survived on Sierra Mist and saltines all weekend. I'm sure I dropped five pounds. Screw paleo, if you want to lose some serious weight, it's all about Sierra Mist and Saltines! It's the miracle diet in just three days!
Anyway, I'm feeling back to my normal self now, I'm not continuously exploding from one end or the other, and I'm ready for this 30's thing. It can only go up from here, right?
I always feel like I have to do this huge catch up on here every time I write now because I write so infrequently. So catch up:
Ethan is awesome. For his school project today he drew a picture of himself as an old man and then wrote: When I am 100 years old I will have glasses because I love to read at night before bed. I will also have a hearing aid because I will be hard of hearing.
He blows my mind. I know every mom thinks this, but Ethan could really rule the world one day, or at least some big company. He's bright and independent and creative. Of course, he's also a major pain in the ass because of these things...constantly asking questions and wanting to invent this or build that or try this. And I must just seem like such a drag, constantly telling him, "" but really I think he's a genius. I hope he realises that.
Noah is a stubborn sweetheart. He recently has been trying to get into music, and I say trying because I don't know if it's just his age or if he's one of those people who just can't hear it right, but he tries. He gets Ethan's ear phones on with the ipod and then tries to sing along to Jason Aldean or Maroon5. It's hide-your-laughter-cus-it's-so-dang-cute-but-you-don't-want-to-hurt-his-feelings stuff.  He's also incredibly sensitive (hmmm, wonder where he gets that?) and does not like to be watched, noted, or spoken about. Poor baby. All over Mama's blog.
I love him dearly and cherish the times I get to take a nap with him.
More and more and more I appreciate and am so proud of Joey. His new assignment is as a forensic investigator (my little sister pointed out how hot that is) and I love having him on my schedule. After nine and a half years, you gotta hand it to a man who has to listen to his wife fill the toilet in so many different ways all night long. The next morning I texted him, "Did you hear me last night?" and he responded, "Every time." Yet he sticks around.
The one thing I'm missing in my life right now is girls. I miss my friends, my sisters. So that's another thing I want to work on in my thirties, making time for girls. Deana, Daelynn, Angel, Erin, Heather, Jen, Jamie, my mom, my grammie. I miss my girls. It's so easy to take those relationships for granted, but to not have them sucks the air right out of my life.