Friday, August 26, 2011

Joining In the Crickets' Chorus.

I am home alone, sort of. Noah is sleeping. The crickets are chirping in the black night. I remember a time I was listening to the crickets not too long ago, maybe a year, maybe two-it really is amazing how they pass! I remember having trouble: trouble in my heart, trouble in my marriage, trouble in my place in life.  The crickets were the background sound to the chaos going on in my heart. I specifically remember ending my post with, "And the crickets are chirping like they've all gone mad."
Tonight the crickets are chirping, just like that other night, only tonight they are soothing, calming. Peaceful. Like they are right where they are supposed to be, doing exactly what God made them to do.
Their chant tonight is background noise to a extremely grateful and anticipating heart. A trusting heart. A heart in awe in how big God is, how good He is to me. How personal.
Maybe six months ago I laid my heart down. I prayed. I told God how unhappy I was, but that I was going to trust Him and push through, even though the years seemed so long ahead. I told Him I trusted that He was good. That He loved me.
I didn't expect anything.
It reminds me of when I was growing up I asked God over and over and over again for a dog. A black and white one, please.
For years I prayed this. I prayed but it was a hopeless prayer. Desperate. I didn't ever really expect my want to be met.
 My dad, bless his soul, finally gave in and we were told about ONE homeless dog who needed a family. The dog happened to be black and white.
I remember this same feeling I'm feeling tonight the first night I got dog;  this feeling of incredible thankfulness that number one, He's there;  and number two, He remembers me, cares for my heart's desires. And He gives them,  like a father, wanting to give his child the world.
It makes me wonder why I ever doubt, but I do. And, shaking my head, I know I will again. But maybe it will be less frequent. Maybe as I get older and see His grace poured out on me in such a personal way over and over and over again it will begin to sink in deeper into my soul: the fact that, number one, He's there; and number two, He remembers me and cares for my heart's desires.
I know this doesn't mean I have arrived anywhere. New battles will be born in my heart; I will have to learn to trust, over and over and over again. But I think what I am so thankful for tonight is the surety I feel in my heart of God and His immense love and knowledge of me, of my heart that most of the times I can't even figure out.
Tonight the crickets are singing, and so am I.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Trust Me (from God). And Don't Look in the Mirror in Zumba Class (from me).

Well, after suprisingly not feeling so horrible after a long day I happened to read my friend Emery's (wonderful!) post on motherhood and now I feel very close to tiny ball of deer shit.
And then there's the thinking side of me, the side that more than a couple of times a week or a day says in my little brain, "It feels so good to be doing what GOD has called me to do. WORK!".  Then I kinda shake my baffled head. Because that's not what I pictured myself doing. I pictured myself at home, with four or five  kids at my feet, and a pitbull. In an apron of course! I even blogged about that, way back when. Too bad I don't know how to tag it here.
Instead I have two amazing little dudes and I find myself working. And loving it. Growing. Becoming more confident in who God made me to be. I see my skills and talents blossoming and maturing.
And that's not to say I don't fight a horrible gnawing feeling of guilt  parallel to every thought of every second of everyday, but I am beginning to learn that listening to those feelings of guilt and fear is the worse thing I can be doing.  I might as well put a bullet to my brain for all the good they are doing me. They suck the life right out of me, out of everything good that is happening in my world.
I think it's neat how God works so differently in our lives. How he shakes up our expectations and says, Trust me.  Not your emotions. Not your situation. ME.
And that is for every mama out there; those at home full time, those that work, those whose children are grown, those that have lost their children, or heck, it's even for those women who don't have children.
 Trust me.
God, that is so comforting to my weak, tired heart right now.
In other news I took a Zumba class tonight, my third or so. The number one rule in Zumba is this: don't ever, everevereverever look in the mirror at yourself during class.
I thought I could dance. I am, you know, the last one on the dance floor at weddings and stuff. But there is something about Zumba...I look like I should be in the River Dance instead. Stiff as a board! I have WHITE GIRL all over me. Maybe a long black sexy wig would help? A red, sequence dress, with fringe on the bottom?
That would be completely awesome.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Chicken Nuggets, Right or Left?

Just a couple of thoughts today; like images of clarity in the blur of my life.
One, we went to Sonic last night for dinner and I got my usual, chicken fingers with ranch, topped off with fries and a Oreo shake. Yum! I don't know if it was mid bite or maybe after the little feast did the thought occur to me that the backs of my legs resemble  a chicken nugget. I've eaten chicken nuggets since I was a little girl. They are my go-to if you know what I mean.
Been pondering that one.
And number two,  today while we were driving Ethan says to me, Mom. I hate leaning in the car.(**Don't you remember when you were little and had to use your entire body weight to not fall over on the twirly on-ramps on the freeway?**) I just hate it. When you turn left, I have to lean right. And when you turn right, I have to lean left.
That's what he said to me. I have always had a  hard time differentiating between my right and left. That's the cold hard truth, no exaggeration there. Maybe the day I was supposed to learn the difference between the two I had some horrible tragedy happen in my life that I have completely erased from my brain? It's the only explanation. 
So as his mom who gets all hibbly jeebily when I have to use "right" or "left" to hear him say something like that so confidently, like it is nothing,  makes me think he has to grow up to be a genius, or an astronaut if we still had those around. 
Yep, those are my two clear thoughts I've had today. Now it's time this sleepy, exhausted, cloudy brain girl went and got some sleep. And don't ask me what side of the bed I sleep on.